If Only
by Amaria Holly
Summary: Sometimes Sora thinks he's having a nightmare and when he opens his eyes, he'll wake up next to Roxas. He wants everything to be okay again. For Roxas to be okay again. Why can't he have that one thing? RoxasxSora


**Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom hearts or any of the characters in this story.**

Sora was told that a first kiss is a very important kiss. He was also told it was normal to be nervous. Which he was. Right now. Eyes closing. Unfamiliar soft, slightly chapped lips pressing against his gently, slowly. Hands trying to figure out what to do. Fingers finally entwining together.

He's aware he's trembling and his cheeks are scarlet. Stomach in knots- not the bad kind though, it's.. kind of pleasant. It might have been better if he wasn't such a nervous wreck.

And then the kiss is ending and his eyes open. Meeting the same blue eyes as his own, but so unlike his at the same time. Roxas' lips twitch up into a slight smirk at the dazed look. Slipping his hands away from Sora's to reach up and cup the other boy's cheeks. Resting his forehead against the other's. "See, that wasn't so bad."

Sora wants to look away… or stomp on Roxas' foot to wipe that smug smirk off his face. "Sh-shut up." He huffs, lowering his gaze as he lifted his hands to place them over the blonde's. That only had a snicker coming from Roxas though and then their lips were connecting again more confidently on Sora's end.

That was exactly eight months and fourteen days ago. Roxas and Sora were still 'going on strong' as Kairi would say. It was also after those eight months and fourteen days that Sora found himself under Roxas. Gasping and moaning. Bodies rocking together as sloppy kisses were shared.

It all started out with an argument, Sora wasn't really sure what. He couldn't remember, but he just knew it ended with him saying 'I love you' and everything had went still. For a few moments he had feared it was too soon and he should of never said anything. But then he found himself pressed against a wall in Roxas' room. The blonde pinning him up against it and capturing his lips in a desperate kiss. Hands roaming and yanking clothing off in a hurry.

It was only when they were both teetering on the edge that he had the whispered 'I love you' in return to his earlier statement. That was a night Sora wished he could visit over and over. It sometimes haunted his dreams.

Two years. They've been together two years now and they had moved in with each other four months ago. Sharing an apartment, both had a job to split the pay. And really, everything was good. Sure, they argued often, but it never lasted that long before one or the other would apologize for whatever stupidity it had been about.

A year later… and Roxas is in the hospital. Sora is in the hallway, sitting on the ground with his legs hugged to his chest. He's already cried until the tears dried up, but the ache hasn't left. He's panicking on the inside. Worried. And sorry. Because he couldn't do anything to help and maybe in some way, he feels like it's his fault. That Roxas somehow fell ill. …Ah, guess he did have more tears in him after all.

Sometimes Sora thinks he's having a nightmare and when he opens his eyes, he'll wake up next to Roxas. He wants everything to be okay again. For Roxas to be okay again. Why can't he have that one thing? He's never been selfish until now. If this really could be considered selfish.

Time is passing by slowly, too slowly, minutes seemed like hours to Sora though. But finally, at some point the doctor walks out and after sharing a brief word with him, Sora's in Roxas' room. Scrubbing at his face with his sleeves to try and wipe away the tears. Now they were being stubborn, didn't want to stop falling. A soft, but sad chuckle had him jumping.

"C'mere."

And the tears just increase when he hears and finally catches sight of Roxas. Lower lip trembling as he approached his lover. Immediately one of his hands were grasped by Roxas'. The blonde's suddenly seem so much more frail and his skin is so _pale._ It hurts to see him like this. Hurts so much, but he can't look away and he can't leave.

"Hey… hey. None of that." Roxas' voice is soft.. and Sora isn't going to try and ignore it, even the blonde's voice is off. Seeming weak. The blonde tugs him closer, free hand lifting to brush away the tears spilling down the brunette's cheeks. "I'll be fine. It'll pass."

Sora wants to believe Roxas, he really does. So he'll cling to the hope in those words, because it's all he can do to keep from breaking completely. He finds himself clinging to the hand holding his, gaze dropping to their entwined fingers.

Roxas sighs and scoots over a bit before tugging Sora closer again. This time pulling him onto the bed besides him. "Did you eat anything?"

The brunette only shakes his head as he settles next to Roxas.

It's a little unnerving. The silence. And the way Sora won't meet Roxas' eyes. The blonde reaches out at some point, taking the other youth's chin and lifting his head a little to try and catch his gaze. Lips curving up into a soft smile when he finally did. "I love you."

The tears that had slowed are falling even faster now and Sora feels a little piece of him shatter. No, no. Don't think about bad things, Roxas is going to be fine, he's going to beat this and then… then they'd live happily ever after. Just like those fairy tales. "…I love you, too." And his voice cracks. But Sora can't find it in himself to care. Arms already around the blonde's neck- careful so very careful as he clung and buried his face against the other's chest.

Roxas' smile doesn't fade, but it doesn't reach his eyes. And there's a sadness to it, one he's glad Sora can't see… but knows that, unfortunately, it could be felt. His arms slide around the slighter boy and he just hugs him tightly. Staring up at the too brightly lit ceiling of the hospital as they cling to each other. His own eyes sting with tears, but he won't let them fall. Now he's sorry. Sorry for causing Sora this pain.

It was silent again. Painfully so. Both too consumed in their own thoughts to notice.

"…You'll.. Be out of here soon. And w-we'll… travel just like… y-you wanted. Maybe… get a dog o-or even… a cat.." Sora had suddenly spoke up, voice choked.

Roxas blinked down at Sora, brows furrowing. But he tightened his hold on the brunette. "..Yeah. And we'll got a house right next to a beach. Just like you wanted. Somewhere we can go to relax."

The brunette nodded against Roxas a bit, a muffled sob coming from him. "S-so… you can't die.. Okay? You have to get better." It sounded childish and it was, Sora knew this. But he couldn't bring himself to care about that either. Because he's breaking. It's killing him on the inside… and it's killing Roxas on the outside. "..I love you." And he's repeating those words until he needs to suck in a shuddering breath. "So please… please don't leave me."

Roxas wasn't prepared for that, he wasn't prepared for the sharp pain in his chest as he listened to Sora break just a little more. And he's scared now, the tears are finally falling and he's holding onto the brunette for dear life. Because he knows, oh does he know how much it'd damage Sora if he knew. The doctors had told Roxas… had told him that he may not have more then three months left. He had asked them not to tell Sora. "..I'll never leave you." His throat constricts once the words leave his lips. Liar. The word is carved into his mind.

"..Do you p-promise?" Sora's looking at Roxas now, desperation and hope in his eyes.

Roxas feels himself breaking then. "I promise." I'm sorry.

Sora tries to smile at that, but he's still breaking and he can't figure out why. Instead he buries his face against the blonde's chest again. "Love you, Roxas." It seems like he can't stop saying it now, just needing to get it all out. But it's okay, they have their whole lives together for it to be expressed. Just like they wanted.

"Love you, too, Sora." And now Roxas is the one that can't stop his tears. Desperately clenching the back of Sora's shirt as they lie their.

**A/N: …Err.. This is.. Well.. I swear I didn't mean to write something sad, I really didn't. I was trying to write something happy to say I was back! ( Long story about why I was gone, so don't wanna get into it) But.. This.. Happened. Oh god. I'm sorry. *Sobs* I'm sorry it's a shitty oneshot too, but, but.. It just happened! I don't know.. If any of you really want me to, I may make continue this? Up to you guys. …Again, I'm sorry! **


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